"He didn't have sex with 'em, he only choked 'em!"

--one woman to another as I passed by. I think they were talking about a teaching scandal. One of them, anyway.

"I hope it happens soon. That would be a great time for that global warming to kick in." -- woman on office phone.

Is anytime a great time for global warming to kick in?

"if your reading this, your a moron!!!"
--written on the wall of a Cold Stone. I made the appropriate corrections, and drew a little smiley face.

"I had to rush into my little sister's room at around 11:30 at night and say wildly, 'Naomi! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! The pillow sat there FLUFFILY!' Naomi was instantly very freaked out and cried, 'Stay back! Stay back!' I repeated the phrase and she said - she sounded a bit shaky.. weird, huh? - 'Okay, why did you *really* come in here?'

"Me: 'To tell you that. 'Cause, oh, my gosh, it was just so cool. I was standing there and then, bang, it hit me... the pillow was just sitting there fluffily.'

"Naomi: 'Okay, ummm.... what pillow? And why fluffily?'

"I just repeated the former sentence and finally she dragged me into my room to look at the pillow and she pronounced that she couldn't find *anything* *particularly* 'fluffily' about it, then I told her that, 'Oh, well, if she couldn't see it, then fine... be that way.' Then I went back to bed."
~A friend in an email to me

"I am in the army. I'm marching tall and wise. I am marching for my captain who has good eyes."
~My 9-year-old sister, over and over again, singing at the top of her lungs, marching around our living room. Gah.

"You are smarter than the average piglet."
~A guy in my pew at church, to his girlfriend. Now THAT'S a compliment.

"In real life, the water doesn't look like that."
"Yes, it does. The guy who drew this spent a lot of time working to make this water look realistic, and you're just knocking his creative efforts!"
"I am NOT! Okay, forget I said anything. The map is absolutely beautiful."
~Girl and guy commenting on the color of the water on the maps of NYC at the top of the Empire State Building.

"I prefer to let the managers think the grout is black. They don't seem to know any better, and it saves us some scrubbing."

--the deli lead, apparently teaching the new guy how to wash the floor. Wal-Mart, Cortez, CO.

"Why is it called Amsterdam?"
"Because it's full of hamsters."
~Two very annoying teenage guys in the line for Empire State Building tickets.

"The Phantom could, like, totally get a bucket of water and sweep!"
~A girl in front of me in the line for POTO. First of all, I can't quite see Erik keeping house in his lair. And secondly... who SWEEPS with a bucket of water? Isn't that usually called mopping?