"So my dad has a wooden leg. You can't really tell because it was cut off below the knee in some boating accident, which he probably deserved, but it's wooden. Now, his fake leg works kind of like a shoe: you pretty much just slip it on. He also had this wedge that he would put in to make it a tighter fit, but that's about it. So one winter we were in france skiing, because france was the closest place to ski when we lived in london, and we're on this ski lift and my dad is holding on his leg like this.

*demonstrates holding wooden leg to real leg*

Halfway up, my dad lets go to point out some inane shit, like some trees in the distance or something, and his leg--ski attached--falls off. And what are the odds, but it lands perfectly and proceeds to ski down the slope. Not only that, but it skis right into some kid, and it and the kid go tumbling down the rest of the hill. Then, all of a sudden, the woman behind us begins shreiking her head off, and we're trying to explain to her that his leg didn't actually fall off, it was just a wooden leg, but we don't really speak french so we start saying 'No, no! C'est faux...C'est faux jambon!' I mean, we're calling it a fake ham, whatever we can think of, and she is not having it. She just keeps screaming.

So we get off the ski lift at the top, but my dad can't get down without his leg. We try to get the kid to bring the leg up but he gives it another look and is like 'No way!' so we have to wait for ski patrol to come on their little ski mobile and get the leg. Finally they get the leg, but we're up on this hill beyond where the ski patrol can get to, so they get as close as they can and begin throwing the leg up to us. It's cold, it's wet, and we're wearing those massive gloves so we can not catch this thing.

Anyway, we eventually get the leg back and ski down, and we see this ambulance. 'Oh no,' we're thinking, 'not again.' 'C'est faux! C'est faux!' we start to explain again, prepared to tell them it's a fucking ham or whatever just to get our point across, and they tell us: no, it's not for us. It was for the woman behind us on the lift! We look back and she has this oxygen mask on and they're carrying her away on a stretcher."

--guy at a party, who apparently had a pretty bizarre childhood.

"Hey, Cassie! Your razors don't work well on back hair!"

a smart aleck boy yelling to his friend across the mall parking lot..at least, i hope he was being a smart aleck.

"well, after smoking or drinking the pot, i usually..."
one of two college boys strolling past me.

"Have you ever noticed that you only see condom ads on the 'mens' TV channels, like Spike and Comedy Central?....hahaha,yeah...but then again,it would be weird to see one on Lifetime. [in a weird,old radio dj voice] 'We will return to "A Mother's Day to Remember" right after these messages' 'TROJAN MAN!' It doesn't seem to fit, like Mel's pants..." - A guy on his cell at Super Stop & Shop, Danvers,MA.

1 : "You know how on ticketing websites they have those little dots on the screen while it's searching for tickets?"
2 : "Yeah..."
1: "Well last night I was trying to get tickets to an Orioles game and they had a bird that danced across the screen instead."
2 : "Ha, that's cute. What would the Red Sox have? Dancing socks?"
3 : (who apparrently hadn't been paying attention) "Kevin Millar has dancing socks." - - Three women talking at Panera Bread in Methuen, MA

Lady 1 : "Have you heard about Niptuck?"
Lady 2 : "I love that show!"
Lady 3 : "Isn't that a surgery?"
Lady 1: "Yes, but it's vveerryy sexual." - - Three mothers talking at Stiles Pond in Boxford, MA (within earshot of their sand castle building children).

"WHOA! GUNS!!"

-a kid about 5 or 6 in a sporting goods store in des moines (where the deer heads mounted on the walls all seemed, disconcertingly, to have names like "gene wernke" or "dale jameson"). ah, to be young and impressionable.

"When I was pregnant, I drank a lot of gin, but it didn't work."
-- Middle-Aged Woman in a Lexington Avenue Liquor Store

"Where you at?"
::pause::
(Louder) "Where you at?"
::pause::
(Louder) "WHERE ARE YOU?"
-A girl yelling on a cell phone at warped tour.

"How you feeling today, kiddo?"

"About the same as yesterday."

"I'm sure it was a mixture of physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. It's been a tough weekened for all of us."

"I think it was just cramps actually..."