"I think it's good if a guy knows what a Paddington bag is."
"It's still not getting me laid!"
--A girl and a guy in the Beard Papa queue

"My excuse is that I frontload my pricklyness, so girls just run from the beginning. What's your excuse for losing them after date three?"
--One guy to another at Red Box Sushi.

"those look like bumblybees."
"bumblybees?"
"yes."
everyone else starts laughing
"i was thinking in British when i said it."
"They don't talk that way."
"Yes they do."

-discussion between 4 people in class.

STUDENT FOOD.....

Two teenage girls are walking through a supermarket.

Hannah: Some people are sick! Mmmm cat food!




IT'S THE NEW TYPE OF CHILD TO PARENT DISCIPLINE.....

Three students are chatting in a films studies class.

Guy 1: Why would you want to rape your Dad?
Girl: Well, why not!?!?!?
Guy 2: When I’m annoyed with my Dad I don’t just go and bum him!





HE'S BACK!!!!!!

Two girls have just got off a bus. There is a man with long hair and a beard woh is getting into a taxi. The girls walk by, and once out of ear-shot, one looks at the other and says smugly,

Hannah! Did you see that? Jesus!





A BUDDING ARCHITECT....

Two girls are walking near a house that is in the process of being built. There are currently no steps up to the door.

Girl 1: That door’s really high up. How are you supposed to get in, jump?
Girl 2: I think they’ll probably build some steps up to the door.





IT'S THRILLING STUFF!

Two girls have just stepped off a bus. One is looking a bit freaked out. She looks at the other and says,

I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was smiling at me, like, full on grinning, so I was like, I’m staring at the back of Nikki’s head. Keep staring at Nikki’s head. I’m so engrossed in Nikki’s head.





IF I TOLD YOU YOU WERE AN IDIOT, WOULD YOU HEAR IT????

A gay guy and a girl are talking loudly on a bus.

Girl: If you’re wearing contact lenses and someone poked you in the eye, would you feel it?






A PROPER GENTLEMAN.....

In a computer room, a guy is busy working at the computer. Two girl classmates are chatting next to him.

Guy: Ladies! Shhh! Stop talking, I’m trying to work!
Girl 1: Ask nicely and we might.
Guy: OK, ladies, would you kindly… shut the fuck up?






YEAH, THEY CAN ACTUALLY STRETCH YOUR HAIR NOW......

Guy 1: So, we might be in the hairdresser’s at the same time?
Guy 2: Yeah
Guy 1: How shall I get my hair cut?
Guy 2: Get it cut long.
Guy 1: How do I get my hair cut long?





WELL, I GUESS THAT SETTLES IT THEN....

Bored teen girl: Entertain me!
Grandmother: You’re queer!




WELL WHAT ABOUT A BIT OF MAN-ON-MAN ACTION?

Man: I never understood how lesbian sex could be fun. It’s all hole.





HOW TO MAKE A GIRL FEEL SPECIAL.....

Guy: Well, I asked you out and you said no!
Girl: Well, I told you why! It would be weird cause we’re like, best friends!
Guy: That’s what everyone else I asked said!




YOU'RE NO MISS WORLD EITHER!!!!

Girl: Who do you think is the most beautiful person in the world?
Old woman: Not you!




COMPLIMENT COMPETITION.....

Girl 1: Hey! You didn’t say “Hello gorgeous” to Daisy!
Bus driver: Yes I did!
Girl 1: Did he say it to you?
Daisy aka me: Yeah.
Bus driver: Well, she didn’t say “Hello hunk” back to me!
Girl 2: That’s because she’s not a liar!





IT'S A GOOD JOB SHE WASN'T ALLERGIC!!!!

Two girls are sitting eating lunch. One is studying the ingredients of her sandwhich.

Girl 1: What’s crustisheen?
Girl 2: Crustisheen?
Girl 1: Yeah, it says here, “This product is not suitable for people who are allergic to crustisheen.” What’s crustisheen?
Girl 2: Let me look at that…. Hannah, that says crustaceans!
Girl 1: What’s crustaceans?
Girl 2: Shell fish.
Girl 1: Oh.





THAT'D PUT A BRAND NEW SPIN ON BABY LOTION ADVERTS!

(balding)Bus driver: I had to wash my hair last night.
Girl 1: Wash your hair?
Girl 2: What do you do? Just scrape your head?
Bus driver: No! With shampoo and conditioner and everything. My head’s as smooth as a baby’s bum.
Girl 1: Well I’m sure that’s not right. I don’t think babies’ bums have bristles.





YEAH, AND I'M SURE YOU JUST LOVE IT TOO!

Flirtatious man: What do you think Jeremy would have done if he’d seen me cuddling you?
Slightly embarrassed girl: I don’t know.
Flirtatious man: He probably would have been jealous cause he’d want to cuddle me.





FAMILY FUN.....

Daughter: You make me laugh!
Mother: Do I?
Daughter: No.





DID SOMEBODY BEAT HER HAIR UP????

Girl 1: Have you seen Emma’s hair?
Girl 2: Yeah, it’s tragic isn’t it?
Girl 1: Jake said it looked like a bruise.
Girl 2: Yeah! It does!




FISHY!!!!

Guy 1: Things named after fish are really in right now. Mullets, pikes…
Guy 2: Cats.
Guy 1: Cats?
Guy 2: Yeah, like catfish.
Guy 1: I think you’ll find the fish was named after the cat. Not the other way around.
Guy 2: Oh, right. What about dogfish?





WELL, THAT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT.....

Man: I’ve never broken a bone in my life! Except for the time when I had an operation on my feet and they had to break all my bones.





RESPECT YOUR ELDERS......

Student: Hey, you! Come over here and look what I’m doing!
Teacher: Don’t you dare speak to me like that!
Student: Oh, hold on, I’m just getting a call…





WE WERE "LIKE THAT"....

Man: When I was at school I had two best friends, a girl and a guy. His name was Steve but I don’t remember her name.





AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

A guy and a girl are looking through a magazine. They stop to look at a campaign for AIDS. The poster shows many different celebrities, and has the caption "We all have AIDS".

Girl: The poster says “We all have AIDS”. Will Smith doesn’t have AIDS!
Guy: Elton John, yeah, he definitely has AIDS.





THE NEW WEIGHT LOSS TECHNIQUE.....

Girl 1: Don’t you think Lucy’s lost weight since she went away to Africa?
Girl 2: I don’t know. I don’t really notice when people lose weight.
Girl 1: Oh, well, she definitely has lost weight.
Girl 2: Well, that’s cause there’s no food in Africa.





JUST WAIT UNTIL SHE FINDS OUT WHAT SHE'S HAVING FOR DESSERT!!!

Girl on phone: Oh really? Oh, how exiting! What, am I doing it as well? Oh that’s great! Bye! *hangs up* I’m making spaghetti Bolognese tonight!

Two college students are waiting at a bus stop.

Girl 1: With David, did you ever just get the urge to kiss him? Just to kiss or cuddle him for no reason?
Girl 2: Yeah, all the time. You know, whenever we were on our break or whatever.
Girl 1: It’s so hard isn’t it? I’ve never had this before!
Girl 2: Yeah, I know, it’s so hard to ignore. Like, sometimes, when we’d be sitting there not doing anything to each other, I just wanted to grab him!
Girl 1: Yeah, sometimes we just need to have a good old grab!

"Is there a xylophonist in Broken Social Scene?"
"Probably. There's three of everything in that band."
"I could play the theremin. Can I be in Broken Social Scene?"
"You probably already are."
--A girl and a guy at Blue Bottle Coffee

"There are a few in the city that're open 24 hours, but they're in weird places. Like not by the clubs, or by UCSF, but down on 8th and Market, UN Plaza."
"Maybe there are visiting dignitaries flying in, need their Starbucks at 3 in the morning?"
"Maybe you haven't been to UN Plaza. I think the only diplomats there are from Cracklandia and Heroinlund."
"I think it's Heroinistan now. Political upheaval after the last election."
--A girl and a guy at La Note

"When somebody says stuff like, "The traffic is flamboyant!" and takes himself seriously, he's a moron!"

--Random field-grade officer, in a mess tent somewhere in Iraq.

I can see it now, "Boss, I can't come to work today. I've broken my wife's ass during sex." Yeah, that's not gonna get me fired.
Could be worse. You could have broken his wife's ass during sex.

Two guys walking in the local Walmart.

"GO PLANET!"

-My ex, yelling at the top of his lungs after he and his friends stated what the Captain Planet elements were, using their newly obtained large rings. He's the quiet, shy type, so I was shocked and considerably amused.