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A whole lot of quotes in one go!!!! WOOP!
Funny
STUDENT FOOD.....
Two teenage girls are walking through a supermarket.
Hannah: Some people are sick! Mmmm cat food!
IT'S THE NEW TYPE OF CHILD TO PARENT DISCIPLINE.....
Three students are chatting in a films studies class.
Guy 1: Why would you want to rape your Dad?
Girl: Well, why not!?!?!?
Guy 2: When I’m annoyed with my Dad I don’t just go and bum him!
HE'S BACK!!!!!!
Two girls have just got off a bus. There is a man with long hair and a beard woh is getting into a taxi. The girls walk by, and once out of ear-shot, one looks at the other and says smugly,
Hannah! Did you see that? Jesus!
A BUDDING ARCHITECT....
Two girls are walking near a house that is in the process of being built. There are currently no steps up to the door.
Girl 1: That door’s really high up. How are you supposed to get in, jump?
Girl 2: I think they’ll probably build some steps up to the door.
IT'S THRILLING STUFF!
Two girls have just stepped off a bus. One is looking a bit freaked out. She looks at the other and says,
I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was smiling at me, like, full on grinning, so I was like, I’m staring at the back of Nikki’s head. Keep staring at Nikki’s head. I’m so engrossed in Nikki’s head.
IF I TOLD YOU YOU WERE AN IDIOT, WOULD YOU HEAR IT????
A gay guy and a girl are talking loudly on a bus.
Girl: If you’re wearing contact lenses and someone poked you in the eye, would you feel it?
A PROPER GENTLEMAN.....
In a computer room, a guy is busy working at the computer. Two girl classmates are chatting next to him.
Guy: Ladies! Shhh! Stop talking, I’m trying to work!
Girl 1: Ask nicely and we might.
Guy: OK, ladies, would you kindly… shut the fuck up?
YEAH, THEY CAN ACTUALLY STRETCH YOUR HAIR NOW......
Guy 1: So, we might be in the hairdresser’s at the same time?
Guy 2: Yeah
Guy 1: How shall I get my hair cut?
Guy 2: Get it cut long.
Guy 1: How do I get my hair cut long?
WELL, I GUESS THAT SETTLES IT THEN....
Bored teen girl: Entertain me!
Grandmother: You’re queer!
WELL WHAT ABOUT A BIT OF MAN-ON-MAN ACTION?
Man: I never understood how lesbian sex could be fun. It’s all hole.
HOW TO MAKE A GIRL FEEL SPECIAL.....
Guy: Well, I asked you out and you said no!
Girl: Well, I told you why! It would be weird cause we’re like, best friends!
Guy: That’s what everyone else I asked said!
YOU'RE NO MISS WORLD EITHER!!!!
Girl: Who do you think is the most beautiful person in the world?
Old woman: Not you!
COMPLIMENT COMPETITION.....
Girl 1: Hey! You didn’t say “Hello gorgeous” to Daisy!
Bus driver: Yes I did!
Girl 1: Did he say it to you?
Daisy aka me: Yeah.
Bus driver: Well, she didn’t say “Hello hunk” back to me!
Girl 2: That’s because she’s not a liar!
IT'S A GOOD JOB SHE WASN'T ALLERGIC!!!!
Two girls are sitting eating lunch. One is studying the ingredients of her sandwhich.
Girl 1: What’s crustisheen?
Girl 2: Crustisheen?
Girl 1: Yeah, it says here, “This product is not suitable for people who are allergic to crustisheen.” What’s crustisheen?
Girl 2: Let me look at that…. Hannah, that says crustaceans!
Girl 1: What’s crustaceans?
Girl 2: Shell fish.
Girl 1: Oh.
THAT'D PUT A BRAND NEW SPIN ON BABY LOTION ADVERTS!
(balding)Bus driver: I had to wash my hair last night.
Girl 1: Wash your hair?
Girl 2: What do you do? Just scrape your head?
Bus driver: No! With shampoo and conditioner and everything. My head’s as smooth as a baby’s bum.
Girl 1: Well I’m sure that’s not right. I don’t think babies’ bums have bristles.
YEAH, AND I'M SURE YOU JUST LOVE IT TOO!
Flirtatious man: What do you think Jeremy would have done if he’d seen me cuddling you?
Slightly embarrassed girl: I don’t know.
Flirtatious man: He probably would have been jealous cause he’d want to cuddle me.
FAMILY FUN.....
Daughter: You make me laugh!
Mother: Do I?
Daughter: No.
DID SOMEBODY BEAT HER HAIR UP????
Girl 1: Have you seen Emma’s hair?
Girl 2: Yeah, it’s tragic isn’t it?
Girl 1: Jake said it looked like a bruise.
Girl 2: Yeah! It does!
FISHY!!!!
Guy 1: Things named after fish are really in right now. Mullets, pikes…
Guy 2: Cats.
Guy 1: Cats?
Guy 2: Yeah, like catfish.
Guy 1: I think you’ll find the fish was named after the cat. Not the other way around.
Guy 2: Oh, right. What about dogfish?
WELL, THAT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT.....
Man: I’ve never broken a bone in my life! Except for the time when I had an operation on my feet and they had to break all my bones.
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS......
Student: Hey, you! Come over here and look what I’m doing!
Teacher: Don’t you dare speak to me like that!
Student: Oh, hold on, I’m just getting a call…
WE WERE "LIKE THAT"....
Man: When I was at school I had two best friends, a girl and a guy. His name was Steve but I don’t remember her name.
AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
A guy and a girl are looking through a magazine. They stop to look at a campaign for AIDS. The poster shows many different celebrities, and has the caption "We all have AIDS".
Girl: The poster says “We all have AIDS”. Will Smith doesn’t have AIDS!
Guy: Elton John, yeah, he definitely has AIDS.
THE NEW WEIGHT LOSS TECHNIQUE.....
Girl 1: Don’t you think Lucy’s lost weight since she went away to Africa?
Girl 2: I don’t know. I don’t really notice when people lose weight.
Girl 1: Oh, well, she definitely has lost weight.
Girl 2: Well, that’s cause there’s no food in Africa.
JUST WAIT UNTIL SHE FINDS OUT WHAT SHE'S HAVING FOR DESSERT!!!
Girl on phone: Oh really? Oh, how exiting! What, am I doing it as well? Oh that’s great! Bye! *hangs up* I’m making spaghetti Bolognese tonight!
Two teenage girls are walking through a supermarket.
Hannah: Some people are sick! Mmmm cat food!
IT'S THE NEW TYPE OF CHILD TO PARENT DISCIPLINE.....
Three students are chatting in a films studies class.
Guy 1: Why would you want to rape your Dad?
Girl: Well, why not!?!?!?
Guy 2: When I’m annoyed with my Dad I don’t just go and bum him!
HE'S BACK!!!!!!
Two girls have just got off a bus. There is a man with long hair and a beard woh is getting into a taxi. The girls walk by, and once out of ear-shot, one looks at the other and says smugly,
Hannah! Did you see that? Jesus!
A BUDDING ARCHITECT....
Two girls are walking near a house that is in the process of being built. There are currently no steps up to the door.
Girl 1: That door’s really high up. How are you supposed to get in, jump?
Girl 2: I think they’ll probably build some steps up to the door.
IT'S THRILLING STUFF!
Two girls have just stepped off a bus. One is looking a bit freaked out. She looks at the other and says,
I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was smiling at me, like, full on grinning, so I was like, I’m staring at the back of Nikki’s head. Keep staring at Nikki’s head. I’m so engrossed in Nikki’s head.
IF I TOLD YOU YOU WERE AN IDIOT, WOULD YOU HEAR IT????
A gay guy and a girl are talking loudly on a bus.
Girl: If you’re wearing contact lenses and someone poked you in the eye, would you feel it?
A PROPER GENTLEMAN.....
In a computer room, a guy is busy working at the computer. Two girl classmates are chatting next to him.
Guy: Ladies! Shhh! Stop talking, I’m trying to work!
Girl 1: Ask nicely and we might.
Guy: OK, ladies, would you kindly… shut the fuck up?
YEAH, THEY CAN ACTUALLY STRETCH YOUR HAIR NOW......
Guy 1: So, we might be in the hairdresser’s at the same time?
Guy 2: Yeah
Guy 1: How shall I get my hair cut?
Guy 2: Get it cut long.
Guy 1: How do I get my hair cut long?
WELL, I GUESS THAT SETTLES IT THEN....
Bored teen girl: Entertain me!
Grandmother: You’re queer!
WELL WHAT ABOUT A BIT OF MAN-ON-MAN ACTION?
Man: I never understood how lesbian sex could be fun. It’s all hole.
HOW TO MAKE A GIRL FEEL SPECIAL.....
Guy: Well, I asked you out and you said no!
Girl: Well, I told you why! It would be weird cause we’re like, best friends!
Guy: That’s what everyone else I asked said!
YOU'RE NO MISS WORLD EITHER!!!!
Girl: Who do you think is the most beautiful person in the world?
Old woman: Not you!
COMPLIMENT COMPETITION.....
Girl 1: Hey! You didn’t say “Hello gorgeous” to Daisy!
Bus driver: Yes I did!
Girl 1: Did he say it to you?
Daisy aka me: Yeah.
Bus driver: Well, she didn’t say “Hello hunk” back to me!
Girl 2: That’s because she’s not a liar!
IT'S A GOOD JOB SHE WASN'T ALLERGIC!!!!
Two girls are sitting eating lunch. One is studying the ingredients of her sandwhich.
Girl 1: What’s crustisheen?
Girl 2: Crustisheen?
Girl 1: Yeah, it says here, “This product is not suitable for people who are allergic to crustisheen.” What’s crustisheen?
Girl 2: Let me look at that…. Hannah, that says crustaceans!
Girl 1: What’s crustaceans?
Girl 2: Shell fish.
Girl 1: Oh.
THAT'D PUT A BRAND NEW SPIN ON BABY LOTION ADVERTS!
(balding)Bus driver: I had to wash my hair last night.
Girl 1: Wash your hair?
Girl 2: What do you do? Just scrape your head?
Bus driver: No! With shampoo and conditioner and everything. My head’s as smooth as a baby’s bum.
Girl 1: Well I’m sure that’s not right. I don’t think babies’ bums have bristles.
YEAH, AND I'M SURE YOU JUST LOVE IT TOO!
Flirtatious man: What do you think Jeremy would have done if he’d seen me cuddling you?
Slightly embarrassed girl: I don’t know.
Flirtatious man: He probably would have been jealous cause he’d want to cuddle me.
FAMILY FUN.....
Daughter: You make me laugh!
Mother: Do I?
Daughter: No.
DID SOMEBODY BEAT HER HAIR UP????
Girl 1: Have you seen Emma’s hair?
Girl 2: Yeah, it’s tragic isn’t it?
Girl 1: Jake said it looked like a bruise.
Girl 2: Yeah! It does!
FISHY!!!!
Guy 1: Things named after fish are really in right now. Mullets, pikes…
Guy 2: Cats.
Guy 1: Cats?
Guy 2: Yeah, like catfish.
Guy 1: I think you’ll find the fish was named after the cat. Not the other way around.
Guy 2: Oh, right. What about dogfish?
WELL, THAT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT.....
Man: I’ve never broken a bone in my life! Except for the time when I had an operation on my feet and they had to break all my bones.
RESPECT YOUR ELDERS......
Student: Hey, you! Come over here and look what I’m doing!
Teacher: Don’t you dare speak to me like that!
Student: Oh, hold on, I’m just getting a call…
WE WERE "LIKE THAT"....
Man: When I was at school I had two best friends, a girl and a guy. His name was Steve but I don’t remember her name.
AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
A guy and a girl are looking through a magazine. They stop to look at a campaign for AIDS. The poster shows many different celebrities, and has the caption "We all have AIDS".
Girl: The poster says “We all have AIDS”. Will Smith doesn’t have AIDS!
Guy: Elton John, yeah, he definitely has AIDS.
THE NEW WEIGHT LOSS TECHNIQUE.....
Girl 1: Don’t you think Lucy’s lost weight since she went away to Africa?
Girl 2: I don’t know. I don’t really notice when people lose weight.
Girl 1: Oh, well, she definitely has lost weight.
Girl 2: Well, that’s cause there’s no food in Africa.
JUST WAIT UNTIL SHE FINDS OUT WHAT SHE'S HAVING FOR DESSERT!!!
Girl on phone: Oh really? Oh, how exiting! What, am I doing it as well? Oh that’s great! Bye! *hangs up* I’m making spaghetti Bolognese tonight!
Sometimes we just can't help ourselves.....
Funny
Two college students are waiting at a bus stop.
Girl 1: With David, did you ever just get the urge to kiss him? Just to kiss or cuddle him for no reason?
Girl 2: Yeah, all the time. You know, whenever we were on our break or whatever.
Girl 1: It’s so hard isn’t it? I’ve never had this before!
Girl 2: Yeah, I know, it’s so hard to ignore. Like, sometimes, when we’d be sitting there not doing anything to each other, I just wanted to grab him!
Girl 1: Yeah, sometimes we just need to have a good old grab!
Girl 1: With David, did you ever just get the urge to kiss him? Just to kiss or cuddle him for no reason?
Girl 2: Yeah, all the time. You know, whenever we were on our break or whatever.
Girl 1: It’s so hard isn’t it? I’ve never had this before!
Girl 2: Yeah, I know, it’s so hard to ignore. Like, sometimes, when we’d be sitting there not doing anything to each other, I just wanted to grab him!
Girl 1: Yeah, sometimes we just need to have a good old grab!