"Hrm. No, let's go to McDonald's. It's more family-oriented."
--A woman with two children, eyeing the menu at Crepes-a-Go-Go

----------------------------------------------------------

In three and a half years of active evesdropping, this is the single most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I didn't know whether to put it under bizarre or tragic. What kind of person actually talks like a target demographic drone?

"California: The Wish We Were Kidding State."
"Did you vote?"
*silence*
"You forefited your bitching rights."
"So that's what those stickers are good for."
--Two guys at La Salsa

"Oh, you know me. I'm so disorganized, it's an oxymoron that they call me a professor."
--A woman talking on a cell phone outside Cody's Books

"It's weird stuff. At a low dose, they use it to treat chronic pain, and at ten times that dose they use it to treat OCD."
"So 'take ten of these and wash your hands once in the morning?'"
"Kind of. Yeah. I think I know the way it works, though. One pill makes me sleepy, ten must make you unconscious. Temporarily treats the symptoms, but..."
--A girl and a guy talking at the Parkway Theatre

"I also really like how he swears a lot, but it sounds so sweet because his voice is nice and the melody's pretty that it's only when you think back and go 'huh' that... *off his skeptical look* yeah, ok, I'm somewhat crushy on Ben Folds right now."
"He makes you cry!"
"Really, history would suggest I like that in a man."
--A girl and a guy at Reel Video

"I'm not the kind of person who's good to listen to. Or good at being listened to. Did you get that?"
--A woman talking to a man at Jupiter

"I think it's wonderful that you want to walk like a duck down the aisle."
--A woman halfheartedly talking on a cell phone while reading a magazine, in line at Safeway.

"Gina is a dum ho."
"The defense rests, your honor."
--Written on the wall of a construction site near Lexington & 59th.

"What're the bells for?"
"They're so we can communicate without using the intercom. We've kind of got this whole nautical theme going on."
"Yeah, except for the Hawaiian shirts."
"That's true. We should have striped shirts, be like sailors."
"Or pirates. Right now you could be tropical pirates maybe. Cruise ship robbing pirates."
"Are you calling us lazy? That's brilliant."
--A customer and a checker at Trader Joe's

"Sign it 'You'd better let me know what's going on. See ya.' If you say 'Love ya ' to him, you and me are going to go for a round next time we find a boxing ring."
--A woman in a net cafe to another woman who was typing.

"They're great. She's great. In fact, if there were a spotlight on just her, and the rest of the theatre was dark, I would be madly in love with that lady."
--A guy at the Parkway Theatre, commenting on Project Pimento's lead singer.

"Angora does say 'I love you, honey,' more than cotton."
--One teenage girl to another, shopping at American Eagle

"'Appropriatude.' It should be a word."
"But it is not. 'Appropriateness' is the one you want."
"Appropriatude!"
"No."
"Listen! 'Let us act with appropriatude.'"
"No. It's -ness or nothing."
--A girl and a guy at Jupiter

"Is this a sweater or a swimsuit?"
"That's your first problem."
--A woman and a man at Jeremey's

"Yes, I would love you even if you looked like Hamlet. Believe me."
--A woman talking on a cell phone, walking past the Nomad Cafe

"I asked for Guinness and this is obviously Lagunitas. Guinness isn't clear. Guinness isn't golden. How do you get those two confused? Can no one hear me? This is what's wrong with life. This is the way the world ends. Lagunitas for Guinesss, boom."
--A girl at Cafe du Nord, at the Mike Doughty concert

---------------------------------------------
Mike Doughty, on the other had, was pretty much everything that is right in the world. He's doing another show tonight, same venue. Even if you don't know his new stuff, he played a few of his old Soul Coughing songs. He's brilliant. He's friendly to fans after the show. He dismissed the groans and sobs that accompanied his announcement of his last song with a pithy reminder of the temporal nature of existence. Go, already.

"Can someone tell me how to get to the city?"
"They said this was a shuttle to Berkeley. Isn't this shuttle going to Berkeley?"
"Yes. Yes. Can someone tell me how to get to Berkeley?"
--An airport shuttle driver, and a passenger, on a shuttle to a city (which was supposed to be Berkeley.)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, kids, if you're ever at SFO at 1am and you're waiting for the Bayporter and a competitor comes up and suggests that you should giddyup to his Berkeley-bound shuttle, do you know what to say?

The proper answer is, "Wrong."

Alternatively, the proper answer is "Golly, I *do* think it would be fun if your cartography-impaired driver didn't take credit cards and had to drive each individual passenger to his/her own atm once he/she discovers that your rates are twice as much as the Bayporter. All aboard!"

Apparently the travel industry calls it Black Sunday for a reason.

"It's smoking. What's wrong with it?"
"That's steam. Are you not familiar with things that are hot?"
--A girl and a guy outside the Cheeseboard pizza shop.

"Two weeks ago she was helping me get ready, finding the old toys, going with me to the laundry room to wash the baby blankets. Now she says, 'when he's born you won't have any time for me.'"
"Well, I mean, you have to tell her that you're not going to love her any less. What is she, four? She's probably scared."
"I've told her that. I think she's just worried that she's not going to be number one anymore."
"Well, she's not. And you should tell her that. Zoe's a sweet kid, but it's better that she learns it now, instead of growing up to be one of the dazed 40 year olds whose sit here after an appointment with the shrink saying, *baby voice* '...I don't understand. I thought it was all about me.'"
--A customer and a stylist a few salon chairs over from me.

"Your bag is oversized. Our limit is fifty pounds."
"I can't really get rid of any of it now. Can I pay a fine?"
"We prefer not to refer to it as a fine, per se..."
"A convenience fee, then? That sounds better than a bribe."
--A woman and a ticket agent at SFO