"He stole your blowdryer?"
"Yeah."
"Before or after you broke up?"
--Two women talking in the bakery section at Whole Foods.

"A one hundred percent drama-free holiday season is always the goal, but this year I decided that drama-free for me was good enough... Yeah. So everyone around me was having the drama and I was pretty much ignoring them and hanging out at the kids table. My aunt has the cutest kids. And kid drama's kinda cute."
--A girl talking on a cell phone at DFW

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Don't even ask how I ended up in Dallas. The airlines played ping pong with me today. No, no, not like I was the opponent -- like I was the ping pong ball. Home. Good. Goodnight.

"And I was like, 'Darla, do you have any idea how easily the CTO of this company could be replaced by an infant? And no one would know.' *pause* ...I think she was just mad she hadn't thought of it first."
--A man talking on a cell phone at SFO

"Shut up. It's our business model, and you can't make fun of it until it totally fails."
--A guy sitting at the next table over at Khana Peena.

"Does 'it's too summery' mean you'll be cold in it? The party's indoors..."
"No, that's not it. It's just a summery fabric."
"Oh, so what you're saying is that if you go to a party in December in flowery cotton you'll be considered a big dork?"
"It's just too summery."
--A guy and a girl examining dresses at the BCBG outlet

"Your bag is oversized. Our limit is fifty pounds."
"I can't really get rid of any of it now. Can I pay a fine?"
"We prefer not to refer to it as a fine, per se..."
"A convenience fee, then? That sounds better than a bribe."
--A woman and a ticket agent at SFO

"Two weeks ago she was helping me get ready, finding the old toys, going with me to the laundry room to wash the baby blankets. Now she says, 'when he's born you won't have any time for me.'"
"Well, I mean, you have to tell her that you're not going to love her any less. What is she, four? She's probably scared."
"I've told her that. I think she's just worried that she's not going to be number one anymore."
"Well, she's not. And you should tell her that. Zoe's a sweet kid, but it's better that she learns it now, instead of growing up to be one of the dazed 40 year olds whose sit here after an appointment with the shrink saying, *baby voice* '...I don't understand. I thought it was all about me.'"
--A customer and a stylist a few salon chairs over from me.

"It's smoking. What's wrong with it?"
"That's steam. Are you not familiar with things that are hot?"
--A girl and a guy outside the Cheeseboard pizza shop.

"Can someone tell me how to get to the city?"
"They said this was a shuttle to Berkeley. Isn't this shuttle going to Berkeley?"
"Yes. Yes. Can someone tell me how to get to Berkeley?"
--An airport shuttle driver, and a passenger, on a shuttle to a city (which was supposed to be Berkeley.)

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Hey, kids, if you're ever at SFO at 1am and you're waiting for the Bayporter and a competitor comes up and suggests that you should giddyup to his Berkeley-bound shuttle, do you know what to say?

The proper answer is, "Wrong."

Alternatively, the proper answer is "Golly, I *do* think it would be fun if your cartography-impaired driver didn't take credit cards and had to drive each individual passenger to his/her own atm once he/she discovers that your rates are twice as much as the Bayporter. All aboard!"

Apparently the travel industry calls it Black Sunday for a reason.

"I asked for Guinness and this is obviously Lagunitas. Guinness isn't clear. Guinness isn't golden. How do you get those two confused? Can no one hear me? This is what's wrong with life. This is the way the world ends. Lagunitas for Guinesss, boom."
--A girl at Cafe du Nord, at the Mike Doughty concert

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Mike Doughty, on the other had, was pretty much everything that is right in the world. He's doing another show tonight, same venue. Even if you don't know his new stuff, he played a few of his old Soul Coughing songs. He's brilliant. He's friendly to fans after the show. He dismissed the groans and sobs that accompanied his announcement of his last song with a pithy reminder of the temporal nature of existence. Go, already.