"I swear to God! People were throwing *bags* of money at these midget strippers!"

-- some very drunk, obnoxious, loud guy at Shakespeare pub.

"So how's your wife?"
"Really great! I'm living in Texas, and she's living in Colorado."

-- Two dealers at the Tucson Gem & Mineral show

"Nobody can understand anything you say! Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Some dude on a bike yelling at someone on his cell phone, San Diego.

"www.i-don't-think-so.com"

-- Some gnarly, biker-looking dude wandering around the aisles of Michael's Craft Store

"Hey, how's it going?"
"Oh, all right, I guess. We had kind of a bad week."
"Oh yeah? Why's that?"
"Well, I've got this really crappy tenant downstairs right now. He comes home drunk from the bar every night around midnight and starts playing the accordian. Out of tune. To Motown."
(pause)
"I wouldn't mind it nearly so much if he were in tune."
-- Two guys in a coffee shop, Boulder Creek, CA

"I just want a wedding. I don't even want a husband right now. I just want a wedding."

-- Some random chick in a Target store, San Diego, California

Seen in my neighborhood last night (San Diego, 3/16/04):

A Jeep screeching down a residential road at Mach 2 with Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car" blaring from the radio at 120 decibles.

No, I didn't actually measure either of those values.

"Yeah, my sister bought a Harley-Davidson outfit for her chihuahua."

-- some random guy in one of the local bars, talking to his co-worker

"YOU ARE ALL WEARING TOO MANY CLOTHES! YOU MUST REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING! O.B. IS A TOWN OF *NAKEDNESS*!!!"

--some dude dancing around in the middle of the street yelling on a bullhorn to the crowd heading down to the beach to watch fireworks
Ocean Beach (O.B.), California

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was on a recreational pharmaceutical or ten.

A neighbor, who also happens to be a co-worker, is walking up and down the street with his two little kids, the older of whom is on a snazzy, shiny, new bike with training wheels.

Me: "Hey, that's a pretty cool bike! Did you get that for Christmas?"
Kid: "Noooo...."
Me: "Oh, it didn't come from Santa Claus?"
Kid: (looking at me like I'm a total moron) "No, it came from the store!"

OK then.