2 October 2004
Submitted by eve on Sat, 10/02/2004 - 12:02pm. Wisdom
"Well, wear clothes you can move in, and if you're going to wear pants, get a rubber band for the right cuff."
"Yeah, I was planning on wearing shorts, which solves that. But not boxer shorts. That's the wrong kind of able to move."
"You're never having children, you know that, right? Briefs supposedly impair that."
"Yeah, yeah, that's not a bad thing." *turning to walk off*
"That doesn't count as birth control!"
--A girl and a guy outside the Cheeseboard.


Yeah, I should post more. See previously cited problems of working too much and interacting with the non-work (and therefore quotable) world too little. Working on it, though, don't give up on In Passing just yet...
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Almost on topic
Posted by marinerd on Fri, 10/08/2004 - 7:55am.
But not quite, how about a little song?

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.

First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.

I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.

After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.

I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.
Due to underwhelming
Posted by slugbuggy on Fri, 10/08/2004 - 5:23am.
lack of participation, the haiku contest is now closed. The winners, in order:

1st place: Matt. Good use of contemporary cultural references. Kudos, sir. Prizes: none.

2nd place: slugbuggy, for his poignant tribute to sexual frustration. Prizes: none.

3rd place. slugbuggy, again, for the following entry, with its oblique allusions to alternate condom usage. Prizes: I'll order myself a pizza later.

filled with helium
tied together with some string
lewd party decor

For all of you who contributed, thank you very much.
Posted by Alice on Fri, 10/08/2004 - 3:39pm.
Unfortunately, I didn't see the contest in time. I love writing ridiculous hailku and limerics. My favorite haiku ever, while not on the subject of condoms, is nevertheless worthy of a post, in my opinion. Here it is:

one, two, three, four, five
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Shit, that's too many
Posted by slugbuggy on Fri, 10/08/2004 - 5:14pm.
you can still play. I just wanted to get a lock on a top three spot. Your standing will now be awarded in the order you post. You've won fourth place, because that haiku could also be about condoms as well as syllables, and also because it's funny.
Couldn't think of one.
Posted by Mike on Fri, 10/08/2004 - 6:54am.
Besides, utter geekiness is the most effective form of birth control. As long as I have that....

Time for a stupid question: what's with the difference between men's and women's bike design? I'm no engineer or anything, but if I had a choice I probably would've opted for the bike without the potentially uncomfortable (to put it mildly) metal bar directly beneath my crotch. One unexpected pothole and I'll never have to worry about birth control again. Who designs these things?

Hey, looks like this question has been asked before. (Not really answered though.) Thanks, internet!

[edit] Note to self: always check memepool before posting. That's just crazy.
Posted by Matt on Fri, 10/08/2004 - 11:38am.
If you really wanna know, Matt the bike geek will answer. Long ago, someone invented a bike with a severely angled top tube (the mostly-horizontal tube in question) and named the design myxte, which in idiomatic French means "dual-purpose," apparently. The top tube is there to counter the lateral flex that happens mainly when turning a corner. Really insane "freeride" guys (especially in Vancouver, Canada's North Shore region) have been known to wrap large, high-density foam pads around their top tubes to prevent serious injury. These guys, it should be noted, also ride "skinnies," which can mean 2x4s 20 feet long or more, up to 15 feet off the ground. Once you get out of the namby-pamby world of K-Mart level bikes, you get things like this. And this and even this, ridden by World 4-Cross Champion Jill Kintner. High-end women's road bikes look almost exactly like men's bikes. Just smaller frames.
New bike
Posted by Mike on Sun, 12/05/2004 - 9:40am.
Oh, so it's a torsion thing?

$1500 for a bike? As sad as this may be, I'm not even sure I could afford K-Mart level bikes at this point. That's okay though: a local sports chain had this crazy 6 hour sale last week and I got in and found a cheap & simple 18 speed dealie for $35. Now I can go back to paranoid hyper-awareness on the early morning streets as I fling myself about the city with wild abandon. Yay whee!

(*sigh*) I could use a less dangerous hobby.

[So what if it's been two months! It's still on the front page!]
Posted by Matt on Sun, 12/05/2004 - 10:39am.
I paid almost $5000 for my bike, Mike. $1500 was just for the frame. It's not exactly my bike, but it's close. Back when I had a ton of cash to fling around, I paid $1000 for a custom-built pair of wheels. I'm not proud, I'm just saying the sky's the limit in the bike world. How 'bout 8 grand for this?
Posted by Cebu on Mon, 12/06/2004 - 6:46am.
Holy crap! I paid 8k for my car. I want a bike but $35 sounds more up my alley. All I need it for is some light exercise around a park.
Heh. I can top that.
Posted by paul on Sun, 12/05/2004 - 10:39pm.
I think you need to look into one of these.
Posted by Matt on Sun, 12/05/2004 - 11:16pm.
Yeah, I've seen that before. Sure, it's easily replacable, being bamboo and all, but the torsional stiffness has to be for crap.

/end bike geek rant
Posted by Mike on Mon, 12/06/2004 - 7:38am.
Plus there's the incessant panda attacks and the constant worry that one day the seat might crack and give you a sudden case of bamboo splinters up the wazoo...

Hey! I just realized that $35 is like, $2 per speed! Sweet!
Posted by Mike on Sun, 12/05/2004 - 3:53pm.
Hrm. See, if somebody steals my $35 bike, I get mad for a few minutes and then get over it. If someone steals my $8000 bike, I'm contractually obliged to track down and kill that person.

Besides, I wreck bikes almost as often as I wreck computers. I can't let myself get too attached.

The new bike needs its a few things tightened. The gears need correcting too. Why don't store-assembled bikes ever have the gears right? Bah.
Posted by Matt on Sun, 12/05/2004 - 9:27pm.
Because setting up the derailleur/shifter connection is just slightly easier than understanding "Finnegan's Wake."

Besides, the average Wal-Mart employee knows even less about the bike than the Taiwanese robot (literally, a robot) that welded it.
Condom haiku contest!
Posted by slugbuggy on Thu, 10/07/2004 - 4:56am.
I'll start:

rummaging through drawers
i'm sure i've got one somewhere
damn, i almost scored

The winner wins the ignominity of winning a condom haiku contest. You can tell all your friends.
Posted by Matt on Thu, 10/07/2004 - 10:16am.
American Pie
premature twice on webcam
She made him wear two.
Posted by Monk on Wed, 10/06/2004 - 1:25pm.
speaking of....no one has an excuse to skip the rubbers. A perfect example was Monday night - after the local Tupperware party wound down, I found that one young lady needed a ride home. I of course volunteered and soon thereafter found that she had an agenda.

Again, being a gentleman, I let her know that I was supportive of her agenda. We both signaled our agreement by removing our clothing - which was done in part while I was carrying her and in part once actually on the bed.

Discussion had slowed at this point, but there was some vocalization. I'm not sure how we understood each other - it seemed we were both fluent in some ancient druid language, but the notion of protection was brought up. At that moment in time, I realized my duty as a man.

I got dressed - minus a few undergarments - drove to the gas station and purchased the needed package.

If I can do it - everyone can do it

Posted by Matt on Wed, 10/06/2004 - 11:30pm.
Kudos to you, Monk. Not long ago, I had a night-time encounter come to an unfortunate demise because a raincoat could not be found anywhere.
What's The Big Deal?
Posted by Apple on Wed, 10/06/2004 - 6:51pm.
AppleMan hauls liquid latex now.

Cuff it!
Posted by Kris the Girl on Mon, 10/04/2004 - 10:20am.
Pretend you're LL Cool J on a bike, and cuff that one leg. You know you wanna.

Ben....TMI on the Shweaty Balls there, buddy. But I did splutter my coffee. =o)
Eh... skip the rubber bands.
Posted by Ben on Mon, 10/04/2004 - 6:18am.
Eh... skip the rubber bands. Get a reflective velcro band. Of course, you'll also need some lights for the front and back.

Of course, if you've got a bar bike, you'll need a few other accessories... including a good helmet.

And yes, I save my boxer briefs for my good biking days - biking in boxers is occasionally tough on the ride home when the boys are a tad bit sweaty
Skip the rubber
Posted by meera on Tue, 10/05/2004 - 1:34am.
dude, just skip the rubber.
Shock and dismay!
Posted by Kris the Girl on Tue, 10/05/2004 - 7:09am.
Did your mother teach you nothing?! NEVER skip the rubber!!
Both counts
Posted by meera on Tue, 10/05/2004 - 11:14am.
you were right on both counts: my mother never had the "sex talk" with me nor should anyone EVER skip the rubber. Those sex talks are overrated.
Yes, I've Had
Posted by Pizza Delivery Guy on Mon, 10/04/2004 - 8:40am.
I've had one of those wrist wallets, back in my younger years, it was read, and probably fashionable at the time.
I can't see that briefs impair that
Posted by hypoxic on Sun, 10/03/2004 - 10:16pm.
I mean otherwise many many people would not be born. The only thing I could understand is if briefs keep the boys close to the body and therefore to warm for sperm to survive. I guess sort of like the jacuzzi theory. I wouldn't count on either of these as viable birthcontrol options.
(*revives hope*)
Posted by Mike on Sun, 10/03/2004 - 12:49pm.
...and I was just about to give up, too! Aww.

Okay: What kind of activity could they have possibly been talking about? "Rubber band for the right cuff"? Should I be feeling inadequate?

(*sigh*) I suppose I don't get into many underwear discussions these days.
Oh, it matters.
Posted by steff on Sun, 10/03/2004 - 7:28pm.
there's a range between "point and laugh" and "my health insurance isn't that good, freakman" that you wanna stay within.
Cool pt!!!
Posted by ParU on Mon, 10/04/2004 - 4:59pm.
To steff - great comment. Though I'm not at all sure I want to know what that range is...
It's Amino world without Chemists
Posted by Matt on Sun, 10/03/2004 - 8:36pm.
Oh, steff. Every time someone comes in wagging a finger (yeah, I set up myself on that one), you find a way around it. That's terribly well-worded, dear. I'm duly impressed.
Posted by paul on Sun, 10/03/2004 - 2:03pm.
The rubber band is to keep your cuff out of the chain. Personally, I solved that by wearing Levis.

And boxer briefs.
Ah, I thought so.
Posted by Mike on Sun, 10/03/2004 - 2:09pm.
Of course, that just raises further questions.

And he thinks boxers are too roomy? Should I feel overadequate?
Posted by steff on Sun, 10/03/2004 - 7:43pm.
ooo, ooo... and how could you forget all of this?
By trying really hard.
Posted by Mike on Tue, 10/05/2004 - 10:04am.
But that was four years ago!


That... was four years ago.

(*feels impossibly old*)
Sorry 'bout that hon...
Posted by steff on Tue, 10/05/2004 - 12:09pm.
but i've probably gotcha beat in the "old" department. sonny.

"Old department", huh?
Posted by paul on Tue, 10/05/2004 - 4:43pm.
Sez you, kid. *gryn*
Posted by ParU on Tue, 10/05/2004 - 6:21pm.
Why you young whippersnappers... When I was your age I had to use a slide rule to post email! (Or at least write the code to make email). Harumph...
It's Amino world without Chemists
Posted by steff on Tue, 10/05/2004 - 9:48pm.
don't get carried away, you two... i just said i had MIKE beaten.

whadaya think, i'm ancient over here? feh.
Posted by ParU on Wed, 10/06/2004 - 7:10pm.
Now why would you have poor Mike beaten? I thought your sis loved him?
It's Amino world without Chemists
We all love him
Posted by steff on Thu, 10/07/2004 - 8:56am.
"Now why would you have poor Mike beaten?"

um. 'cause... i thought he liked it? heh. those are the rumors, anyway. damn mob rumor-mongers.
Posted by Intelligirly on Thu, 10/07/2004 - 9:19am.
Oh, so you can post on here, but you can't answer your phone or e-mail? I see how you are. Fine. FINE!!

On topic? oh, okay..ummm...
Mike, though I love him, is probably worth beatings galore. I'm sure he can incorporate them into his dreams somehow. There y'are Mikey--dream of floggings by Steff! Nightmare or fantasy? You decide.

I love Mike!
The whip... and the boots...
Posted by Jon on Fri, 10/08/2004 - 9:06am.
Um, what? Was I dreaming?

You're black!
Posted by Cebu on Thu, 10/07/2004 - 1:43pm.
Hello? You do realize you two have this in common, yes? You amuse me.

Yeah, I know, not this week.

I hate Elmo.
I never win. :^(
Posted by Mike on Thu, 10/07/2004 - 11:55am.
I got hit by a car once. While on a bike. It wasn't fun. If a beating would be something like that, then I pass.

And now I need to get my bike fixed.

Oh, but it wasn't a serious accident so I didn't have to get carted away by an ambulance or anything. Good thing too because apparently I'm wearing the wrong kind of underwear.
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