"We had our prom at the Plaza and my father was waiting for me outside when it was over. He was like, 'Let's go.' And I'm still wearing this formal gown, and we get on the subway. Everyone thought I did something wrong. Y'know, what would you think if you saw a girl riding the subway in a formal gown and her father standing there with his arms crossed, like this? *glares*"

--A freshman at the table next to mine in Starbucks yesterday

"She hurt my foot with her caddywampus elbow!"

-- My mother, hopping on one foot in her bedroom, referring to my sister

"Do you know where you can get voodoo dolls? Like, real ones? And can you do magic on someone who's already dead?"

A student worker in my department at the library

Is this frowned upon? I can't remember. It's been ages since I was here.

Anyway. I was clearing some old junk out of my room and found my old cellphone. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I asked my mother, who told me she could give it to a friend of hers to donate to the Association for the Blind.

My immediate reaction: "Oh, okay. I've got a few faceplates, too, but I don't suppose they'll be wanting them."

"I can't deal with this anymore! I'm taking off my pants!"

--My mother, before running down the hall, pantsless, about five minutes ago.

"They killed children and ate corpses. Was that nice? 'Well, maybe if it was part of their culture...' NO! It's NOT nice! I'm the professor--you have to agree with me! Eating corpses is not nice!"

-- an English professor, during class

"I had a dream about you last night! You had left and gone to Australia, and you were just going to play tennis forever and ever."

"Australia?"

"Well, I think it was Australia. The postcard you sent looked Outbacky."

--Two middle-aged men who I assume were library staff members

A story (paraphrased) that my Old English professor told on one of the first days of class:

"My granddaughter had her first day of kindergarten, and she came home all upset because she almost got a frowny-face on something. And I started thinking...she has eight more years of elementary school and junior high, four years of high school, four years undergrad, and possibly endless years of grad school, if she goes into the Humanities...think of how many thousands of frowny-faces await her!"

One guy's response:

"That's dark and evil!"

But it's true...

I love how I can search "Unico" and get "New Hot & Sexy Mens Brazilian Thong."

--A friend of mine, on eBay

"Old English rocks my socks."

"My mom got me new socks over break! I was so happy."

"The Sox kicked ass last night."

--3 girls in my Old Norse class