Archived comment by Intelligirly:
That may be one of the best things I have ever read.

Thank you, Paul.

Archived comment by Inuki:
Appropriate warning, there, Paul...

I keep having these fits of laughter at things that happen online, and it's gotten to the point where my roommate asked, "If you die of hysterics, do I get your computer?" Which, of course, only set me off even more.

I've had dogs for years, but never had anything that weird happen with them... I think I'm going to count myself lucky.

Archived comment by Paul:
Okay, going back to the original "hamsuit" concept- how about an elksuit? Specifically, an elksuit for dogs?

(Namelink is worksafe, but don't be drinking anything while you read it.)

Archived comment by Intelligirly:
Indeed, indeed, Lucifer blahbiddyblah.

I was making a little jokey joke. And trying not to give it COMPLETELY away.

:P

Archived comment by Jon:
No, I read Zelazny's To Reign In Hell, instead. Very interesting account of the War Among the Angels.

Archived comment by Matt:
Well, actually, Beelzebub is just one of the higher demons. Lucifer--whose name means Light Bringer--is the fallen angel.


Me? Read Vertigo comics? Naaaah.

Archived comment by Kris the Girl:
HAVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU.....
Eever ever over
in your leefe life lofe
seen the deevil devil dovil
with his weef wife wofe??

Everybody now!!!
I can't think of what else the tune for this goes to, so...if you know it, sing along! If not...since your own melody!

Archived comment by Jon:
"Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
At least the Devil has a sense of style...

Archived comment by Arlene:
Does anyone else have the song 'Devil in a Blue Dress' running through their head now?

Add to this the disturbing image from a costume contest years ago: ~middle-aged, bearded man, in a blue dress dancing to that song.

Archived comment by tim:
If they had spike heels and tiny padlocked ankle straps they might be satan shoes....but that could just be me.


" How would you like to buy a slightly used satin dress?...It's only been satin once or twice"

"

Archived comment by Kris the Girl:
(100)

Archived comment by Kris the Girl:
What does the Lord of the Flies have to do with black dress shoes? I am so, so very confused.

Archived comment by Intelligirly:
I just wanted to share this lovely item with you all. I didn't know they made these, but apparently, Beelzebub is one hot mama.

Those of you as easily amused as I, enjoy.

Archived comment by tim:
" I mean I Like the milking job and all..you just have to put up with a lot of bullshit"

Archived comment by daen:
Not to mention that it's a lot easier to transport a few test tubes than a thousand-pound prize Black Angus.

Archived comment by hypoxic:
exactly mia. Farmers want to selectively breed certain types of cattle. They use artificial insemination because it is faster and safer then doing it the old fashioned all-natural way. With AI you can impregnate a herd in day with just one bull. otherwise you'd have to wait at least, oh at least an hour, between romps. And even then maybe the bull gets performance anxiety. Then what? A big ass viagra pill? Spanish fly? Barry White on the PA...

See what happens if you don't milk the bull. Oh and like ktg said, you don't want to drink that milk either.

Archived comment by Mia:
...I cannot believe I have a question after everything which has been burned into my brain, but can someone tell me why exactly they milk the bulls? Is it so they can make better livestock? Healthier, or something? Grows faster, eats less food? It must be something spectacular, for someone to actually go out and....

Nevermind. Not finishing the sentence, and everyone can ignore the question. Ichk.

Archived comment by daen:
Cebu-
Thank you.

Archived comment by Cebu:
Note that I didn't use the word "doing".

Archived comment by ParU:
Yes Cebu - he was 'being' ParU. Which is hilarious on more levels than any of you can imagine.

1 Cool pt to Cebu.

1 Nerd Pt. to Monk

Archived comment by ChristyMC:
Thanks, slugbuggy, I just got the image of the naked human body as being all red and salty and even (shudder) honey-baked.

Ew. Ew. Ew ew ew.

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
Hey, wouldn't "hamsuit" = "fleshsuit" = "naked body," since "flesh" has the meaning not only of "meat," but also of the human body and the associated sensual pleasures (sins of the flesh and all)?

If you were wearing your hamsuit you'd really be going naked then, as in

"Once we got to the pond we all put on our hamsuits and went skinny dipping."

I hereby blame all the previous debauchery on the insidious subconscious influence of the "hamsuit" metaphor, and let us never speak of it again, although I'm still denying having ever participated in the first place.

...although the original quote is a lot different if you look at it that way.

Archived comment by Monk:
Moi? Of course not. But now that you mention it, did you know that moi is actually french? It means 'me'. Unless you say it and then it means you.

:)

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
If I'm not banned already, I remit my apologies while at the same time denying profusely having any involvement in the current thread, regardless of any and all evidence to the contrary.

Carry on.

Archived comment by Cebu:
Monk, were you being ParU?

Archived comment by Monk:
You are feeling very light in your hamsuit. You could almost float. Do you see the large electrostimulator in the corner? You are immune to it. It cannot shock or stimulate you in any way. Do you understand?

Good.

Now bend over.

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
Okay. For some reason I'm so sleepy I'm about to nod off in front of my computer and I'm almost completely naked except for the hamsuit, and the porkpie hat. Now what?

This isn't going to get weird, is it?

Archived comment by Monk:
and one hilarity point to Apple!

Archived comment by Monk:
no...steff sounds like Barry White. I sound more....hypnotizing.

Hello. I am Monk. You are getting sleepy. You want to take off your clothes...

Archived comment by Apple:
Love is in the air
Everytime I look around

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
Oh, you meant whom do you literally sound like?

I always assumed there was a Barry White thing happening, kind of deep and smoky at the same time, especially when there's the sweet art of seducting the ladies going on...

But you can only tell so much about the way a person sounds from written text on the internet. I'm just guessing.


Matt get a nomination for the "Best New Author of Short Stories in a Deservingly Obscure Literary Genre" award for 2003.

Archived comment by Apple:
What? The ones unlocked by pressing Alt+F4??

*rolling eyes*

Archived comment by Monk:
if only you knew about all the other hidden threads.....


muhahahahahahahahahahaha

Archived comment by Apple:
I'm just disturbed by the fact Monk knew which thread was the proper thread.

*grin*

Archived comment by Monk:
yeah....but that wasn't what I meant.

Now take this discussion to the proper thread!

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
Hah! It's a trick question, the "who do I sound like?" one. It sounds like both this guy and this guy.

Sneaky.

Archived comment by Obsidiana:
"It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination."

I'd say cool points, but it's just too easy.

Archived comment by Monk:
yes hypoxic.....

So you must now go to the Bovine Erotica Thread.

Thou shalt keep thy threads with any discussion that might displease some people seperate lest their eyes explode.

It's the December 13, 2002 thread.

Archived comment by hypoxic:
TMI point to matt.

and didn't we discuss the electrostimulation stuff in another post a while ago?

Archived comment by Intelligirly:
And I think you'll find that specialized bovine erotica market is not part of this site. *coughMattcough*

Though I do wonder if there's a way to find how many visitors we get from google on that phrase.

Archived comment by Matt:
How many years has it been since I felt that warm, inviting, loving touch of a woman? Just thinking about it is starting to depress me. I don't want to remember. It's a dirty road you get led down. I'll probably never be with one again. They all know. It's a small community with no way out and once you find yourself forced into a life like this, there's no way out.

I see the way they all look at me, and I know they know. I'm just living hit to hit now, and all I see around me is darkness. But for a few moments every day, the light comes on and, if only for a second, it seems like everything will be okay.

I saunter over to the shack. I like to think of it as The Pleasure Palace. The guys all know me, of course. Bob, with his greasy mullet and moustache, Darrell with his aging Twins cap that can't decide if its fading in the sun or darkening with sweat and grease, and Jimmy, the new kid, with young kid energy, trying to get some of that old man strength.

"Couldn't wait, eh? Come in a little early?" Bob says to me. I grunt a kind of reply and nod to the other two. And then Darell brings her out. No matter how often I see her, the sight never gets old. Thin, long, and gleaming she is. I try to supress my shiver of anticipation.

"Enjoy, buddy!" Darrell says to me and I feel him slide her right in as Jimmy holds up my tail. It starts as a warm, tingling feeling that gently but progressively courses through my entire body, to the tips of my hoofs and even into my nose ring. Won't be long now. Bob slips in underneath and... awaaaay we goooo!

................

That was awesome. Somehow, as often as I get to do this, it never gets old. And as I walk away, maybe something approaching a smile crosses my lips for an instant.

Archived comment by Monk:
I got 69'd on a friday! woohoooohoooo!

FreeTheHamsters

Archived comment by Monk:
and one to go

Archived comment by Monk:
that would be de-semenate

Archived comment by tim:
That's what they did to the bull right??

Archived comment by tim:
Disseminate ?
Nice one

Archived comment by Monk:
I simply felt the need to enlighten all of you with my vast technical and scientific expertise in a manner that was asured to disseminate the information in a wholistic fashion while not tempting the fantasies of some of our younger readers.

Archived comment by tim:
Mike- That was, perhaps, the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

Monk.....
~shaking my head~
I just don't have the words to express what I'm thinking

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
Well done, but you should add the subjective experience of the bull into the narrative if it's going to be compelling for the reader. Did he enjoy it? What was the mood like? Romantic? Wistful, longing for the touch of a flesh-and-blood cow instead of the cold, unrequiting steel of an electrical prod? How did he get to a point in his life where he's selling his semen for money? Does he regret the way his life's turned out?

Bovine erotica is really a specialized market, anyway.

Archived comment by Mike:
My elementary school janitor just before he was finally arrested?