zytka's blog

Now or never

“Instant gratification takes too long!”
— A coworker outside my office (Emeryville, CA)

As foretold...

“Wait for the prognosticator, man!”
— A very drunk man, beer bottle in hand, shouting from the patio of a bar & grill (Walnut Creek, CA)

Teen Angst

“I’m just going to sit right here because the moment this stuff starts thrilling me, I’m just going to end my life.”
— A teen boy to his mother as they are shopping together at Restoration Hardware (Walnut Creek, CA)

A little knowledge...

"What knowledge do you think was sacrificed in favor of your alarming capacity for pop culture?"
"Who knows? I might have the brain cell that was destined to hold the cure for cancer, but instead I filled it with Madonna lyrics."
— a guy and a girl chatting at the corner of Durant and Shattuck (Berkeley CA)

The art of zen

"Do I look calm to you?"
"Yes...you look fine."
"You see, I just separated from my husband and I feel so calm. Isn't it amazing that I'm so calm? So calm that I don't even have to talk about it."
— a woman at the check-out speaking to the Long's cashier (Rockridge, CA)

Psychosomatic

"You know what your lupus is, right?"
"Ahhhhhhhhnnnnnnnn autoimmune disorder..."
"It's self-loathing at a molecular level."
"Cellular level."
"Right. At a cellular level, your body hates itself and is trying to kill you off."
"You think they have therapy for that kind of thing?"
"Well, if they don't, they should. I think it could really help you learn to love yourself."
— my friend and I discussing my visit to the rheumatologist yesterday. (Emeryville, CA)

Names not changed to protect the innocent...

"He's quieter than Nolan, isn't he?"
"Yeah...he's more reserved – Nolan's a lot more interactive. If Nolan were a dog, he'd be a golden retriever. If Fayvor were a do–"
"Oh. I thought you'd say beagle for Nolan."
"Beagles are dumb; he's not a beagle."
"No, they aren't! And I was thinking of the energy levels – they're kinda hyper."
"But they're dumb."
"I thought they were smart. Our beagle is smart...she just has doggie ADD or something...but whatever. And Fayvor?"
"If Fayvor were a dog... Ummm... He'd be a cat."
— a lunch discussion at Asquew Grille about two brothers (Emeryville, CA)

The Flying Squirrelzinis

"You've gotta eat, man. Don't let those squirrels fuck with your diet and get your stomach all messed up. A man can't live on bugs and nuts for a year without suffering irreversible mental deterioration. It's a fact. God damn, if I had a bunch of squirrels, I'd buy a BIG TENT and start a traveling squirrel circus. Tiny little flying trapeze, squirrel clowns and a squirrel car. A squirrel cannon would be cool, too. You could probably fit about a hundred of those little irascible varmints in the barrel if you used a tamper."
— A guy ranting during a conversation which, I swear, started due to concern about how his friend in the London area was ok (San Francisco, CA)

Monkey Men

"If Steve Martin and Robin Williams ever backed into each other, they'd stick like velcro."
— a guy making coffee while talking about the hairiness of the two comedians (Emeryville, CA)

Dash of gall

"My point would have been much more impressive if you hadn't brought that up."
"Yeah, I had the gall to bring facts into the situation."
— two guys at my office during a good-natured argument (Emeryville, CA)

Commentary

"It's better than chipmunks! Better than lesbian chipmunks!"
— a woman commenting on an action scene in the movie Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter (Oakland, CA)

Do or do not, there is no try.

"I'm mixing and matching. I'm trying to bring balance to the force via M&Ms."
— a coworker commenting on his method of eating Jedi and Sith colored M&Ms (Emeryville, CA)

February 19th, 2004

"I'm so sick of this song — it's everywhere. You know...this is all a plot to make California feel humble. That and the brouhaha over same sex marriages. I mean, come on, people. Don't you have other things to worry about? Like, oh, say...Iraq?"

— a loud female co-worker expressing annoyance with an overplayed song. I believe she is refering to Will you Marry Me?, but I don't listen to pop radio, so I'm not sure. (Emeryville, CA)

Jelly beans

"I don't really need this. But I'm just gonna go get some jelly beans. I just want some jelly beans."
— a woman muttering to herself as she walked by my friend's desk at the University of Miami, Dept. of Epidemiology and Public Health (Miami, FL)

Preference

"I'll take a chunk of chocolate over rabid weasels any day."
— a woman talking on her cell phone (Pleasanton, CA)